Binge and (Almost) Purge

Yesterday was awful. Lunch with my friend wasn't too bad. We went to Noodles & Company, and I had a small bowl of their mac 'n' cheese, which is too good to be believed. But then I went to work. And I ate everything I could. Some butterscotch candies, some donut holes, some chocolate donuts, a 100 Grand bar, a Kit Kat, and probably more that I'm forgetting. I just shoved food in my pockets and ate when no one was around. My stomach was so full, I almost threw up on the floor. And I came so close to just walking into the bathroom and throwing up it all. But I've told myself that as long as I'm having my period and as long as I'm not throwing up or abusing laxatives, what I do isn't too bad. It may not be true, but it's what I believe. So I kept it all down. I feel so gross. Today is going to be as little and as light of food as possible. Maybe just a Mountain Dew and a slice of leftover pizza. We'll see.

Food + Gym

Ugh. I need to learn more self-control. I just ate an entire box of Velveeta mac 'n' cheese. It's so bad for me, but I can't stop myself. Well, off to the gym for a few hours. I'm excited to feel new muscles forming in my arms.

Exercise + Bad Night + Dance

Tomorrow I may be exercising with some friends of mine. I'm worried, as they're all stronger than me, and mostly guys. But they know what they're doing, so it should be good for me.

Also, the next dance auditions are in just over a month. So little time to prepare!

And I am having such a bad night. Binged yesterday at school, ate too much today, and I am just crying. I'm sitting here alone sobbing over old, old hurts that won't seem to heal. They're hurts that I can't understand or rationalize, and I've spent so much time crying over them.