Gym Time

I wasn't able to make it to the gym a second time today, since it closed earlier than normal. But tomorrow I'm going with my boyfriend. Having him there always makes me do better. (Mainly because I want to go faster/farther/longer than he goes.)

Disappointment

Today I found the scale in the gym. It's even one of those big ones like they have at doctor's offices, not the digital ones you keep under your bathroom sink. And I weigh 148 pounds! Uck! I'm nearly half of three hundred pounds!

But I did good at the gym today. Ran/walked 2.38 miles in 30 minutes. I'm getting faster. I'm hoping to get back up there later today, and I'm planning on going after I'm done with work every day, since I'll be on campus anyway and the gym's open until 11. Also, this week my second dance class starts, so I'll be getting more of a workout during my classes.

This is me now:

Good News

The gym is open today! In fact, I'll have time to go before and after going out for lunch. Today's calorie total better be in the negatives, as I'm planning on running at least 4 miles. Wish me luck!

Temptation

Ugh. The boyfriend just came home and made homemade truffles. As soon as they set, I'll be expected to try one. I don't even want to know how many calories are in one of those. A whole bag of chocolate chips, 1/4 cup of butter, like 3 tablespoons of sugar... Delicious and disgusting.

Juice Fast Over

Just broke the juice fast. I figured doing it until 4:15 was good. And then, of course, I eat too much. But I'm still under 700 calories for today, which is good, as tomorrow I'm going out to eat with a friend, so I'll be eating more than I want to. But I'm hoping the gym will be open again tomorrow so I can go work out some more. It's been too cold to go biking. I'm freezing even here in my apartment with the heat up.

Confession

I have two M&M's melting in my mouth as I type this. I just needed something sweet. But it's the first solid food I've had all day.

Juice Fast

Wow. This juice fast is more difficult than I thought it would be. I miss chewing. I'm not really hungry, but I'm craving to put something solid in my mouth, just to chew. It's not something you think you'll miss. Also, I have a horrible headache, though that might be from the erratic sleep I've been getting lately.

So I might end the juice fast early and have something solid (and low-cal) for dinner. We'll see how I'm feeling later.

Envy and Juice

There's a girl I work with who is, literally, everything I'd like to be. She's thin, delicate, and beautiful. She has brown hair that, when up, makes her look like a dancer and, when down, hangs long and curling at the bottom. She has a low, quiet voice that always sounds like she's laughing inside. She's witty and friendly. She wears a short peacoat that cinches in to show off her perfect waist. She has large eyes, thin, stately eyebrows, and an oval face.

I am so jealous.

Also, I am now stocked up for today's juice fast. I bought a big bottle of V8 Fusion (in Strawberry Banana, my favourite!) and discovered that you can buy pineapple juice in individual cans. So I did. I love pineapple juice, and there's only 100 calories in each can! I know that's too much for some people, but I don't restrict so much that I can't drink a few of those today. And if I have a can of juice instead of some fatty foods, then I figure I'm coming out ahead.

Ballet Inspiration

These are the girls I want to look like.

Friday

The gym is closed today. However, my bike is still on campus (I left it there and took the bus because it was freezing!) so I'm going to go get it and bike around to still get my exercise.

Since I'll be alone for most of today, I'm going to try to do a liquid-only fast. I've got plenty of water here, and I'll stop at the grocery store to buy some good 100% juices or some V8.

Also, look at this gorgeous sunrise out of my apartment right now:

ED Survey

Found this while browsing on Wanting Is Never Enough and figured I'd fill it out too.

Size: No idea, honestly.
Age: 20
Highest Weight: 155lbs
Current Weight: ~145lbs?
Lowest Weight: 135lbs
Starting Goal Weight: 130lbs
Long Term Goal Weight: 110lbs

Favorite Diet Food?
Water, Sun Chips.

Favorite Binge Food?
Resse's Pieces, Oreos, Hugs.

Favorite Exercise?
Dance, running.

Thinspo?
The dance majors I see while waiting for my class to start.

What Makes You Slip Up?
Thinking "I'll burn these calories off tomorrow."

What Makes You Strong?
The feeling of control.

When Did It Start?
Depends on what you're talking about. I binged a lot in high school. The restricting started about a month or so ago.

Does Anyone Know?
Only a couple people, and no one (but people who read this) know the extent of it.

Do You Want Help?
No.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
Between 450 and 1500.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
A wide back, no waist, small boobs, huge thighs.

Are You In A Relationship?
Yes, and it's been a happy one.

Is It For Attention?
No.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
In between.

Are You Depressed?
Nope.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
I've thought about it.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
A few, for different reasons.

Are You On Any Medication?
No. I occasionally take herbs to make me calm (no, nothing illegal), but that's it.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[ ] starving myself
[x] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear

I LOVE -
[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[ ] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[ ] feeling this way
[ ] fat people

I NEED -
[x] more support
[ ] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[x] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10 lbs

Diary - March 25

Food: 1,398 calories
Lemonade (1 bottle) - 220 calories
Onion bagel (1 bagel) - 320 calories
Pasta (1 serving) - 200 calories
M&M's (1 serving) - 240 calories
Resse's PB Cups (1 package) - 210 calories
Trail Mix (snack bag) - 208 calories

Exercise: 2,104 calories

Total: -706 calories

Notes:
I caved and ate too much. But my stomach was very upset with me.

University Gym

I am in love with our university's gym. It's huge! There's a pool, a weight room, basketball courts, racquetball rooms, and a room with just cardio machines, like stair-steppers and treadmills.

I'm now taking the bus up to the gym whenever I can. I can get 2 miles (and about 200 calories!) done in half an hour on the treadmills. But, I haven't found a scale anywhere in the massive locker room, so I still can't update my weight.

Diary - March 24

Food: 1,434 calories
Apple Cinnamon Cheerios (one bowl) - 240 calories
Apple Juice (2 cups) - 233 calories
Mac 'n' Cheese (one bowl, from Noodles & Company) - 450 calories
Cheese Sandwich (1 sandwich) - 261 calories
Pink Lady Apple (1 apple) - 50 calories
Fruit Snacks (1 bag) - 200 calories

Exercise: 2,229 calories

Total: -795 calories

Notes:
This day would have been amazing had I not been dragged to lunch with my boyfriend. We had gone and worked out, and I would have been in such deep negatives... but then he wanted to eat at Noodles. So many calories.

Diary - March 23

Food: 1,476 calories
Apple Cinnamon Cheerios (one bowl) - 180 calories
PB&J sandwich (1 sandwich) - 327 calories
Cheese Sandwich (1 sandwich) - 261 calories
Pink Lady Apple (1 apple) - 50 calories
Apple Cinnamon Cheerios (snack bag) - 36 calories
Cashews (snack bag) - 160 calories
Cupcake (one cupcake) - 178 calories
M&Ms (a handful) - 144 calories
Frosting (one spoon) - 140 calories

Exercise: 1,878 calories

Total: -402 calories

Notes:
This day was going well until I got to work. Halfway through my shift, I started feeling lightheaded, and when you have my job, which involves a lot of walking and heavy lifting, I was scared. So I broke out the little bag of cashews and stole a cupcake.

Diary - March 22

Food: 1,583 calories
Onion Bagel (1 bagel) - 320 calories
Tortellini (1 cup) - 354 calories
Corn (1/2 cup) - 66 calories
Mashed Potatoes (1 and 1/4 cups) - 276 calories
Fruit Snacks (1 bag) - 200 calories
Mini Candy Cane - 25 calories
Cupcake (1 cupcake) - 178 calories
M&Ms (a few) - 24 calories
Frosting (one spoon) - 140 calories

Exercise: 1,907 calories

Total: -324 calories

Diary - March 21

Food: 1,984 calories
Onion Bagel (2 bagels) - 640 calories
Trail Mix Bagel (1 bagel) - 289 calories
Strawberry Cream Cheese (small smear) - 25 calories
Tortellini (1 cup) - 354 calories
Cheese Pizza (1 slice) - 256 calories
Kool-Aid (2 pouches) - 140 calories
Frosting (2 spoons) - 280 calories

Exercise: unknown

Total: unknown

Diary - March 20

Food: 1,090 calories
Cheese Pizza (1 slice) - 170 calories
Mashed Potatoes - 140 calories
Mountain Dew (2 cups) - 220 calories
Doritos - 250 calories
Red Velvet Cake (2 slices) - 310 calories

Exercise: 3,743 calories

Total: -2,653 calories

Diary - March 19

Food: 1,107 calories
Tortellini (1 cup) - 354
Carrot Cake Cupcake (1 cupcake) - 326
Chocolate Chip Cookies (3 cookies) - 147
Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips (1 bag) - 280

Exercise: 1,916 calories

Total: -809 calories

Diary - March 18

Food: 408 calories
Trail Mix Bagel (1 bagel) - 289 calories
Mac 'n' Cheese Pizza (1/2 slice) - 119 calories

Exercise: 1671 calories

Total: -1,263 calories

Pointe FAQs and Introduction

Hello. I'm Pointe. No, that's not my real name, but it's what I'll be going by on here. I am a dancer and I struggle with eating disorders. I have since high school. And this blog is going to be my way of talking about it without having my family and friends hassle me about what I eat.

For the record, this is not a pro-ana blog, though I have a bad habit of reading them. I encourage people to try out therapy for eating disorders, as well as other conditions, though I understand that therapy does not always work.

Now, about me. I am 20 years old. I am, not surprisingly, a girl. I'm a college student. I love to dance, read, write, and sing. I do photography. I have no waist. I have a wide upper back. My ribcage angles out forward oddly. I have great balance. I love. And I own no scale, so I have no idea how much I weigh.

FAQs

Are you anorexic?
I am not anorexic. I don't pretend that I am. I eat. I like to eat. However, I have put myself on a restrictive diet, and I am planning on restricting it more and more as time goes on.

Why?
Because I dance. Because I'm trying to get into the dance program at my university, and at my current weight, I'd never get accepted.

Couldn't you just exercise?
I do. But if exercising is good, and dieting is good, why not combine both?

Isn't this blog a bad thing for young girls to read?
It's not my job to be a role model. The people in my life who look up to me do it because of who I am, not what or how I eat. Parents should be watching their children. You should be telling girls that they look beautiful. And not with a qualifier like, "You look nice with your hair up" or "That shirt is cute." But just that she is beautiful. Period.